This weekend I went to see Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana at Benaroya Hall in Seattle.  It was an incredible performance by the Seattle Symphony ,Seattle Symphony Chorale and Northwest Boychoir.  Magnificent.Beautiful. Tumultuous…

Tumultuous….this is the adjective that comes to mind when trying to describe my head space since deciding to live non-monogamously. Turbulent, passionate, lawless, and/or riotous would also work.  I’ve run the gamut of emotions often times in the course of a day!  The logistics alone involved in dating three people feels impossible at times. Throw in trying to navigate through my emotional landscape of fear, self doubt, love, lust, yearning, rejection etc…and I’m left exhausted wondering whether or not this is what I want.

What DO I want? On one hand, I want to live my fiercely independent life and see people on the side, and on my terms.  In which case I’m currently living the dream. Yet here I am yearning for more! I want love and connection and intimacy.  I want a primary partner who knows me inside and out with whom I feel safe.  A home port from which to venture out and return safely to.

Love flies everywhere, and is seized with passion.  Young men and women come together as is right.  If a girl has no boyfriend, she is quite without joy; she harbors the depths of night shut up in her inmost heart.  It is pure bitterness.

I can’t help but feel that within my innermost heart I harbor, at times, the depths of night… but I would not call it bitterness. I would call it yearning.

As it stands right now, The Counselor still considers me a friend (with the lovely benefits of course) which is really hard for me cause the pull I feel towards him is like that of the tractor beam from the Death Star it’s so fucking strong. Don’t get me wrong.  Friendship is not something I take lightly.  I don’t have many friends. I have acquaintances, but very few people (like two) I would call from the crazy train to loonyville when I need someone to talk me down (true friends). A true friendship is a precious thing.  The question I have for myself is whether or not I can handle offering friendship to someone with whom I’ve fallen desperately for.  It feels like a recipe for endless heartache.

Trying to let things flow right now and to take things as they come and as they are.




2 thoughts on “tumultuous

  1. Just wanted to say that I really relate to what you write above, about wanting to be fiercely independent and in control but also wanting that relationship that is like a “home port.” Finding that balance between the two is incredibly hard.

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