Ok, so the rules of ethical sluttery dictate that I communicate openly, honestly and ad nauseam everything that comes up for me including emerging warm fuzzy feelings in what has already been defined as a “casual” relationship.
So that’s where I was yesterday. This scary place where I have to say…I like this, and I want more of it, and be okay with whatever the response is. But ….
- We already defined this as casual
- I don’t want to scare you away
- I don’t want to be rejected
- I don’t actually know what I want to do with you other than adventure buddy/partner in crime
It’s clear that I don’t want to tell you anything on this list. It’s almost as clear that I will not be telling you anything on this list. This can only mean
- I’m not actually ready to be an ethical slut
- I have trust/intimacy issues
- Im scared of rejection
- I’m crazy
So what to do?
- Hope that you’ll text me before I text you?
- Play it cool and pretend that I don’t think about you as often as I do?
- Distract myself with one of my “others” and not think about you?
- Quit over thinking it and just enjoy the time we spend together.
- Shoot you a cool cucumber text “I like you…now what?”
- Shoot you an emotive text “You’ve become warm and familiar to me, I want to get to know you better”
I decided on letting things lie, not texting, and enjoying things as they come… Then you texted. “Feeling cuddly and snuggly, are you free tonight?” Ha!
I let myself get swept up by you. We kissed and laughed. I let my guard down. I even told you that I liked you…that my feelings for you were becoming deeper. I should have left it at that but….this morning, running on zero sleep, we talk again and this time you mention boundaries and even use the words “booty call”. I know that in context, it was not meant to be derogatory, yet the phrase has such a negative connotation to me that it stung and left a bad taste in my mouth. Is that what this is? Could I confuse a booty call for kindred spirit?
I didn’t say anything, but I know you noticed me clam up. My armor went back on quicker than my favorite cardigan! You left, saying something along the lines of “Ill catch up with you soon” and I went inside to clean my house.
My emotional volatility and sleep deprivation convinced me it was a good idea to text you in some attempt to explain my reaction and myself. I mentioned cognitive dissonance and a desire to run away and towards you at the same time… No response…. Then finally, “Ambiguity is the place where growth occurs” WTF?! Hahaha! Psychologists!
Oh, before I forget…I need to add this to the mis-adventure file as well. This morning while snuggled up with the counselor, Patagonia texts asking if we were still on for coffee! Shit! Worst girlfriend award goes to yours truly. I tell him that we will need to push it back since I was entertaining an unexpected house guest. He says ” Sure, I’ll have to see you next week (he was leaving for another fishing trip) I hope he was worth it :-)”.
Bad form on my part…but what can I say, I’m a sucker for spontaneity! Guess I’ll have to wait until next week to see if I blew it with Patagonia…and The Counselor for that matter 😦
That’s it, I’ve got to sleep!